What A Reader Wants
by Magicke Moste Evile
Summary: A plastic surgery, a hot chick, books forgotten, a sexGod, two uncontrollable friends, heads' dorm, steamy sex...handle this! ONESHOT


**Summary: **Plastic surgery, sex and the Heads' bathroom.

**Disclaimer: **Yes, I own Harry Potter, any problems?

**A/N: **a hand at parody, not necessarily humorous, but a spoof of the most popular fanfics here.

* * *

Hermione threw her pen down and yelled at herself. Mind you, Hermione ever yells at herself. But she did, and what's more the stuff she yelled is very important for this story.

"This is not getting you anywhere! You're just a bookworm nerd with no life!" the rest of her cacophony was along the same lines, so we'll pass over that. But the bottom line of her desperation is that she was frustrated. For those of you who envisioned a perfect brunette with tons of brains and the other perfectionist stuff, ah, you're mighty well wrong. Hoop!

So what happens when people like Hermione lose their screws? They change. Oh yes, they don't change they transform. And guess what? Hermione forgot the meaning of the word 'book'. That is her type of change.

In a nutshell the metamorphosis will necessarily contain- straightening of hair(she's no longer bushy haired), a change in wardrobe(didn't take her two minutes to shed those clothes), make up(don't skip over that) and curves(to woo you know who of course!). These changes are necessary for a girl to become a hot chick.

Hermione looked at herself in the mirror. _Perfect!_ Big surprise, nerd, you're supposed to be perfect. The lipstick, blood red, the mascara raven black, the stilettos…I hope I'm not getting tangentially towards the hookers. Oh, and her attitude changes too. Now she's out to seduce guys. Oh, those curves! She can't stop pushing them around to get at those men. Oh and your books, dear? Fuck them.

So now we painted a vivid picture of Hermione in her new Avatar. She's got attitude oooh. But we have to look into the other pivot of our story. Three guesses, anyone? Oh, not Peter Pettigrew please! He needs a manicure. Not even Remus Lupin, he's a werewolf. Severus Snape? God, you ARE thick. Of course, we were talking about Draco Malfoy. Remember that mudblood hater Slytherin? Yes, he comes in, or rather struts in. He has suddenly transformed into the sex-god of Slytherin. All the girls are after his life, and in fact he has already impregnated 68 of the innocent population who just wanted to 'have some fun'. Stupid of you, really. This is Draco Malfoy, not Ronald McDonald. SO he fucks…and god a lot of it. His six pack is unmask able and his tan? You're killing me! So, he's been in bed all summer. Helga today, Amy tomorrow and Mini the day next. He has this schedule pinned up on his wall. Strange, I distinctly remember JK Rowling show him as a brilliant student of Hogwarts, the second best to Hermione. But no, this Draco Malfoy does anything other than study.

* * *

Now we have the base of our fiction. One fine day Hermione gets a letter with a Hogwarts' seal. Generally I would have asked you for three guesses of its contents but you people are bad guessers. However Hermione ain't. She throws the paper aside.

"Oh great! Another fucking duty on my pretty head. Now I'm head girl." She groans. You see, very unlike Hermione to not be proud of being the head girl. But that's her change.

The first of September. Hermione dresses up in a micro-mini, needless to say, Hogwarts changed it rules and the new ones state 'be as sexy as you can'. So Hermione slips on the micro-mini which show off her pencil-thin legs, and a halter dipping suspiciously low on her front as well as back, revealing the 'hidden glory'. Hermione gives one last look at the mirror, kisses herself seductively and walks out to catch the train.

At this point of the story the author begins to wonder where Dr. and Mrs. Granger have disappeared. No parent in their senses would let a girl go out like that. But for convenience, we leave them out.

The first thing she sees when she goes through the barrier to Platform 9 ¾ is a horde of people staring at her. In the earlier years when people stared at her, it was only that maybe she had too many books on her, or probably some Slytherins would mock at her but this case it was different.

Friends for seven years, been through thick and thin, Harry and Ron surprisingly can't recognize her. This was the relationship they had shared, or probably her plastic surgery.

Hermione: Hi guys!

Ron: Er. Hello stranger. I don't know you, but those boobs sure look familiar

Harry: and what do think about us, fair maiden?

Hermione: That wasn't funny guys secretly laughing to with pleasure I'm Hermione!

Ron: Her…Hermione? You mean that loser nerd with a flat chest? No way! You're way too hot.

Hermione: pouts Fine, don't talk to me. I grew boobs, and this is the treatment I get from my best friends. starts weeping and runs away, showing her well-oiled back

Ron mutely gives Harry a constipated look and points at his crotch. Something was sticking out down there. Harry looks at his too. Same situation.

"Run Harry!" he yelled and they both make the beeline for the bathroom.

* * *

At the other end of the station there is a crowd of lusty girls crooning over a blonde boy who is basking in the glory.

"Easy, girls, easy..." he says seductively and all the population faints at his soft husky voice

"He's mine!"

"No you bitch, he's mine…"

"Shut up, all of you, he's MINE!" a voice yells. Three guesses who. Hermione? Yeah, right. Fine it was Pansy. Draco groans. Obviously, he's just going out with Pansy just because his family wants him too, and she's like his stand by.

"Drakey" she caresses his soft unblemished cheek, which escaped the wrath of acne. "Come with me to the train…" before he can open his mouth, she pulls him by the tie to their private compartment.

The following content is too dirty to write about. And if some of you there are scratching your heads…of course, what do two people of the opposite sex, going out with each other both of them needing it do in a compartment all alone? If you still haven't guessed, then I'm not telling you. Leave this story and try a K rated fiction.

Draco left an aroused and excited Pansy gasping for more, since he had to go to the Head's carriage. Have I told you that the sex-God is the head boy of Hogwarts' ? Nice example they are setting, appointed the most sexed up man whore as the head boy. The train leaves London passing through the calm meadows of England, but scenery is not the matter of interest in our story. Here all we know is boobs and sex.

The first thing he sees when he enters the compartment is a very sexy and ravishing girl dressed up in practically nothing. Actually he sees her back. Ah well, his manhood begins to stir, like I hadn't had much already with Pansy. _Ahh, another person to add to my notch of fucked females. _He grins to himself, and then very seductively calls out, "Hi."

The girl turns around, and God, he stares. At her boobs I mean. After a little while of very obvious staring, he steels himself, assuring that this piece would be his. "I'm Draco Malfoy, one of the hottest guys at Hogwarts' and incidentally the head boy…" he comes a little forward as the damsel smiles. "And who are you?" he raises his beautifully penciled eyebrows. Did I tell you that he is metro sexual?

"Well, I'm Hermione Granger, one of the sexiest students of Hogwarts now that I have boobs and attitude and apparently the head girl."

Malfoy faints.

Generally at this point authors would put in a make out scene in the train compartment, but a more realistic situation would be the hottie fainting. The make out can wait.

Of course, I forgot to tell you, Ron and Harry missed their train because they were too busy attending to their cocks in the station washroom.

* * *

Dumbledore's speech, as innovative and smart as ever leads into the meal, all through which Hermione and Malfoy keep staring at each other, and Malfoy flashes a seductive grin every now and then. After the dinner, Professor McGonagall leads them to their private quarters. Needless to say, this year the rules have changed and now the heads share a dormitory and common room. Conclusion- the Hogwarts' staff lacks a pennyworth brain, and of course a sight. Head GIRL and Head BOY….put the capital words together in a room, ahhh…..you get my point.

The password has got to be something to do with love or unity, 'cause everyone at Hogwarts' has lost their screws. Ah, the heads room could beat the Fuckingham Palace…sorry Buckingham Palace. As I said before, scenery does not figure into our story. We zoom into the heads. I mean the head boy and head girl Hermione Granger enters into her personal bedroom, which is one thing she has personal. They even share bathrooms…and very conveniently they forget to decide the timings to use the washroom, leaving out acute emergency. She changes into a body hugging pajamas, and put it this way, I don't think anyone can sleep wearing 'body hugging pajamas', but I don't think Hermione intended to sleep that night, no she had other plans.

She enters the bathroom and pulls off even the skimpy pajama to observe herself and her naked beauty. Blind idiot! He is right behind you! But ah, as brainy as she is Hermione doesn't notice him. But he watches the sexy beauty all naked. By the way, he himself is in boxers.

After a little while he gets tired of using only his eyes. Something else is itching him down there too. So he reveals himself. Hermione grabs a bathroom towel, but eventually takes it off, as she admires his six pack, in the gheads' bathroom on the first of September, two enemies fuck their brains out….

Exactly what a reader wants.

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**author's note: **If you think I'm mocking these clichés then you are wrong, cuz I'm not doing that. I'm just proving their unrealistic ness. However even I use the situation in my story, so no peeps ppl. 


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